1. Pick up your hand as dealt. You will be ready to bid ahead of the others.
2. If you like your partner's lead, smile and nod your head. Don't bother with a high card.
3. When you have a poor hand, signal immediately by saying "Who the heck dealt this mess?"
4. Lead from your hand or dummy as is convenient.
5. Keep up a constant chitter-chatter when the opponents are playing a hand.
6. Get your bid in first, even out of turn.
7. With a good hand, bid in a loud positive voice. With a bad hand bid with a low feeble voice. This will help your partner.
8. Don't try to remember the rules. It is too confusing.
9. Talk about Susie's operation and Janie's baby during the game. It makes for good fellowship.
10. If you get a poor partner take the bid away from him and play the hand.
11. Occasionally ask what is trumps. It will show you are interested in the game.
12. Explain all systems. It adds confusion to the game.
13. If your partner wants to look in your hand, cover up all face cards and let him look.
14. After every hand, tell your partner and the opponents how the hand should have been bid and played.
15. Always pass. Your partner will never know what you have but neither will the opponents.
16. Be bold, reckless, wild and foolish. You may have to get another partner, but you will have fun.
17. As soon as the auction is over, exchange hands with your partner for mutual inspection.
18. Go into a trance when you do not know what to do; maybe everyone will forget what the contract is.
19. Over-bid if your partner is a good player and is going to play the hand.
20. Choose your bridge partners; relatives are wished on you.
21. Claim all the tricks. You might get away with it.
22. Experts never make mistakes, only slight errors in judgment. Be an expert.
23. If you don't have a face card, always open the bidding; this adds confusion to the game.
24. The bid-master uses lots of conventions, even if his partner doesn't know them.
25. If you have nothing in your hand over a ten spot, whistle the "Yellow Rose of Texas".
26. Just remember good bridge cannot buy friendship, but it helps you associate with a higher class of enemies.
27. Bridge players have honest appearing faces but their actions belie their looks.
28. Bridge is a game that gives women something to try and think about while they're talking.